On the Upswing

It is funny how time happens. How we change and grow. And how we recede back to ourselves. I have been in and out of such strife lately, self-imposed mostly. My want for challenge meeting my actual challenges. I feel so lost at times, feel like I am dealing with too much, and pride myself in my ability to handle it. This must play a part, my vanity in this respect keeping me in a place I wish to get out of, but cannot make wise enough choices to do so. But slowly as I acknowledged where I am making these shortcomings I make small steps to get myself out of them. It is an ebb and flow, I was so low and now, where I am starting to do good and see a good path, I feel so high. I cannot look at it logically, I must see it as an out of my control way of the world. When I do I feel the lows instead of the highs, I wish I could take anti-depressants and stay on an even keel. But I cannot allow that. I worry that the great parts of life will be dulled. Right now I think I am about to get a new place to live, my own place for the first time since I have moved back home. I am surprisingly excited to start my next semester of school. I am getting comfortable in some relationships that I have been shy about, and most importantly I am feeling positive. I have been wanting to find some settled feeling, to be in a content place, but it has been elusive. Now I think I may find it, or some part of it. I know the ebb will come, I will always be drawn to more strife but if I have something stable to fall back on in that strife, I imagine it will be easier.

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